Burcu, 28, has been in Istanbul for the last two years, living in Bolu and Ankara before. She is married and works as a secretary. For her, motherhood and love are vital, followed by marriage, friendship, work, fun, religion and travel.
Her father is retired, and her mother a housewife. Her brother is her best friend. She is content with her marriage and dreaming of being a mother. She is luckier than her mother since she earns money
“Women should be gentle, fastidious and responsible. Being a good housewife and mother is very important. Both working and taking care of the house work is hard. Dealing with my mother-in-law is just another issue.”
She had her first sexual experience when she was 16. “I do not have any taboos. Sexual satisfaction completes a relationship. I talk about my sexuality with my mother and my husband.”
She finds herself natural, friendly and sincere, but wishes she were slimmer and taller: “I am neither very well groomed nor old fashioned. I like putting on make-up and perfume.”
When she thinks about women, naturality, compassion and Claudia Schiffer pops into her mind. Men recall Tom Cruise: “Men have to be witty, compassionate, dependable, athletic and well-groomed. And he has to know how to manage a woman.”
Yasemin is from the Black Sea region, a Laz. She has been in Istanbul for four years. She has been married since she was 16, and gave birth at 17. She cleans apartments, helping her husband who is a janitor. For her religion comes first, followed by work, friendship, motherhood, travel and fun. Love and marriage come last.
She grew up without a father, so her mother was also a “father” to her. To avoid “bad mouth” she was inclined to an arranged marriage. What followed is perilous sex life, constant problems with her mother-in-law, unemployment and poverty:
“The first night we did not have intercourse. The second night, he raped me in order to fulfill the expectations of the family. That’s why I don’t get any pleasure from sex anymore. My responsibilities also stop me from being able to concentrate on sex.”
Nevertheless, she describes her husband as a “favour from Allah”: “My husband is a caring father. He loves me because I do my duties well. I thank Allah for my happiness.”
She is a “strong” and “wise” woman: “When I took up a paying job, I felt strong. In order to feel self-confident, it is important to take care of oneself. I don’t go out without putting cream on.”
“Love is, being scared of touching for fear of breaking it.”
She is almost confident that she will find the love she has not yet experienced.
Fatma is 27 years old and has been in Istanbul since she was 12. She got divorced three months ago. Although she is financially independent, because “young women don’t live alone,” she has moved in with her older sister. Her two-and-a-half year old son living with her mother back in the village thinks that she is his “aunt”.”
“My biggest dream is to own a house, to meet a man who will protect me and my son, and that my son calls me ‘mother’.”
She finds herself strong because she knows how to be happy. “Whatever life throws at me I accept it, because I am strong enough to deal with it, ” she says with dignity.
While she often refers to Islam in this conversation, motherhood comes before religion for her. Then follows marriage, friendship, fun, travel and love.
“I have been working since childhood. In fields, in workshops… I forgot that I am a women but I never forget my duties as a woman. I am fastidious, hard-working, and I always respected my husband.”
She finds her sexuality, as well as pleasure and satisfaction, important,: “Men’s selfishness prevents women from taking pleasure. A man must be able to awaken desire in a woman.”
Fatma is at ease with her body: “I am not a beauty queen, but I am alright. I sometimes go to the hairdresser’s and have my eyebrows plucked.”
For her, men must be “strong and reliable,” and women “honorable.” She says that “honor does not only refer to sexuality”; a woman’s dress, her acquaintances and her compliance with the wisdoms of her elders also counts in that manner. For her, virginity is “something entrusted which a woman gives her husband.”
In Turkey, young people can marry at the age of 17 or 18 if the family complies and with a court order. However, according to figures from the Turkish Statistical Foundation, 32 out of 100 women married under the age of 18, and 60 between the ages of 18 and 24 in 2006. The mean age for the first sexual intercourse is 19.2.
One out of three women marries someone who her family had chosen, another one out of three with someone of her own choice but with her family’s consent. The remaining take this decision solely themselves.
Are they love marriages? We don’t know. While no concrete data is available, religious –as opposed to civil- marriages and polygamy still persist, mainly in rural regions.
According to data from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), 6 out of every 10 women aged 20 to 30 are neither studying nor working. (BB/AG)