52 MEN 52 WEEKS/ 32 OLKAN ÖZYURT
Fatherhood: Sharp as A Needle in Theory, Lacking in Practice
Click to read the article in Turkish/Kurdish
Every man who hears the news that he will become a father for the first time, has definitely dreamed of being the perfect father and thought that he should not be like his own father.
However, at the end of the day, this dream gets damaged somewhere in the natural course of life without you even noticing, and you drift from perfect fatherhood to ordinary fatherhood.
But why?
I think I can answer this question as the father of a four-year-old...
When my wife came and told me that I would be a father, I entered the tunnel of a sweet and exciting uncertainty like everybody else. Through the reactions I got from the people around me during my preliminary period, I came to understand that fatherhood is culturally the apex of the masculinity myth, but we have to fulfill some conditions in order to proceed to this stage.
The congratulations of "you are now becoming a father" were in fact warnings that evoke these conditions. These congratulatory warnings with subtexts such as "review the life you know, file your immoderations if you have any, get ready to give up your passionate habits" are a series of messages targeting your subconscious and preparing you for ordinary fatherhood while you're dreaming of "being the perfect father"...
My fellow men who voiced their subtexted congratulations were actually fulfilling their duty without realizing it. But there was a caginess especially in sharing their experiences (except for some of my friends).
The weird thing is, men who like to give advice on all sorts of things about life were saying things like "Nights without sleep await you" and badmouthing the fatherhood period. This was actually pointing at one specific thing: Paternity was a duty.
You make a child and take their responsibility, meet their needs, spend time together, make sacrifices for them, make sure they're not wanting for anything... Then the child grows up. And you have fulfilled your duty.
And then I remembered those cliché dialogues in the father-son confrontation scenes of Yeşilçam [Turkish cinema] movies that we saw:
Son: What have you done for me father?
Father: I made sure you wanted for nothing, I raised you, sent you to school.
Son: Yes perhaps I had money, but you didn't show me your love.
This discovery of mine concerning fatherhood made me understand why fathers on this land cannot establish a true relationship with their children even though they love them.
Actually, fatherhood is not a duty but the name of the bond you form with your kid... I was lucky to have noticed it sooner. I benefited a lot from the natural birth preparation course that I attended with my wife. No need to lie, I had belittled the course a bit before I went but I abandoned that approach after seeing the insistence of a friend.
There I learned that most of our information about the birth process was wrong. I realized in that course that fatherhood is not a duty but the name of the relationship.
When Ali Güney was born, I started to form an equality-based fatherhood relationship with him aided with this awareness. And there was something my mother said in this process which I adopted as my maxim: "A child is a child after all... Sometimes they don't listen to you, they act up, misbehave, get spoiled, it's all normal. But whatever happens, you always be compassionate with your child".
Everything was going fine. Our relationship with Ali Güney was very good. A baby evolving into a child was a challenging process but also joyous at the same time. Since we weren't child-centered parents and managed to involve him in our own lifestyle, we were happy as a family.
Of course, when you don't want to be an ordinary father, you might find yourself in unlikely situations as well. For instance, an incident we had at a shopping center when Ali Güney was one-year-old still makes me laugh.
One day, somewhat out of necessity, father and son we ended up in a mall. His diaper needed to be changed so we headed to the baby changing room. But what do you know, fathers are not allowed inside this room... I was nonplussed by a mother's warning. It turns out the baby changing room is also used as the lactation room... So, trying to find a solution I spoke to the shopping mall officials.
But they too were surprised as they didn't think that a father would come to a mall alone with his child and take care of his child's needs. They designed the baby changing rooms with consideration for the mother's privacy.
There you have the role cut out for ordinary fatherhood and its reflections in architecture and design. We went to the men's restroom accompanied by the mall official. There was an exaggerated reaction to his plea of "Gentlemen, this friend here is going to change his son's diaper, so if you could be a bit helpful".
Everyone wanted to help, but at the end of the day this is an operation that can easily be done by one person in one, at most, two minutes. But those fellows were very determined to help out... So, we changed the diaper, also giving them a part in this operation, and left the restroom jubilant!
I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy seeing—through this and similar incidents—that I was quite far from being an ordinary father. I was telling myself, "Fatherhood is not that difficult after all". I wish I had not flattered myself so soon!
Things started to change as the days, years passed. When Ali Güney turned three, he began to act "spoiled" and whine from time to time in the way three-year-olds do... Moreover, he was no longer as in need of his mother and father as he was as a baby. We had entered the phase of verbal communication.
I had established an equality-based relationship with him since he was a baby. As is known, in such relationships, where the phenomenon of authority is omitted, things can get a bit challenging after a certain point.
Because, the parties have the potential to transform one another. Are you ready for that transformation? I thought I was but apparently I needed to undergo a greater transformation than I had expected. I saw that I had to develop with him rather than undergo a transformation. I came to terms with this situation.
However, little did I know that the myth of manhood hardwired into the core of life was about to sneak up on me around the corner. I could not notice it. As the child grows, the power of verbal communication comes into play. His word against your word... Conflicts and tensions naturally increase.
I think that at that point, the course of our relationship with Ali Güney changed. The phenomenon of authority entered the equality-based relationship that I had established. I realized that I began to be the party that sets the rules and draws, albeit not sharp, boundaries for him.
The process was steering me towards becoming an authoritarian father. Do not misunderstand me when I say an authoritarian father, best if I explain it with an example: For instance, he will go to school in the morning, so I have to wake up early to get him ready.
However, he is a child and he does not start the day with the motivation to go to school. He just sits there to play with his toys. As for me, I expect him to move quickly while I am preparing him. (In fact, the rhythm of time of adults is not the same as that of children, as I was to understand later on.) It creates a tension and this very tension causes you to be a rule-setter. It is how the thin lines are gradually overstepped...
I came to my senses thanks to the warnings of my wife. I had cracked open the door which would lead me to become a type of father that I did not want to be. If I enter through that door, there is no coming back. At first, I did not want to accept that I had cracked such a door open.
But, I came to terms with it.
I have to say that coming to terms with it was difficult. Because each argument that you would put forward by yourself has a counterpart in life. Am I a bad father? No. Am I not making sacrifices for him? Yes, I am. Aren't we having good time together? We are. But, weren't these the arguments of the conventional ordinary fatherhood, which is fulfilled with a sense of duty?
In other words, I was back to square one again.
That is why I said that the myth of manhood was waiting to sneak up on me around the corner. Not only does this myth constantly reproduce itself, but it can also seep into you through the tiniest crack. It also causes you to enter a vicious cycle. It is difficult to break that cycle, which explains why men sway from perfect fatherhood to ordinary fatherhood.
While I was going through such an ambivalence, I also saw that I was actually standing right next to the source of all sorts of problems regarding fatherhood and manhood.
You bring the child into the world saying, "we will raise him together", nevertheless, when you are a father, you can stealthily leave the emotional care of the child to the mother.
You can mar the child when he expresses himself with all his normality. With the presumption that a male child sees his father as the role model, you can enable the reproduction of a problematic personality, which you act as if you can work out, but actually cannot.
All these can be the source of all sorts of future problems that I mentioned.
For instance, your attitude towards your child can impact his relationship with people and every type of decision that he will make when assuming his social roles. At this point, I understood that fatherhood was also a serious examination. It is like a litmus-paper; you are being tested on all the values and principles that you have gained, accumulated and internalized in life thus far.
You might be as sharp as a needle in theory, but what about in practice?
In your relationship with your child, you are looking for the answer to this question. To tell you the truth, I have got my answer. In practice, I had to sit for the make-up examination. The day Ali Güney told me, "Stay away from me when you are angry with me, you can come near me when you calm down" (he was four years old when he said it), was year zero for me. After that, we are again in an equality-based relationship.
Everything is getting better.
Now, I am preparing to become the father of a daughter.
Let's see what kind of a process is waiting for me.
I will live and learn... (OÖ/ŞA/APA/SD/TK/IG)
* Images: Kemal Gökhan Gürses