I was very young when I imagined of getting old. I used to blow soul to my aged version, painless. Then I would have her sit on my one-seater sofa and slip her the coffee mug. I don't know why, it was always rainy in my dreams. As my aged version was watching people escaping from rain, and nature meeting rain, I was watching her, especially the convolution of her face that left its miseries behind.

My aged version was standing up slowly after taking a last sip from her coffee. She was approaching the notebooks on the ground, pick them up fondling, open them with caution, read them, and place them in the chest after classifying. Those notebooks were my diaries, waiting to be opened by me at the age of 70. But my diary belong to year 93 couldn't wait for 70, it burned my hand like a cinder on September 25.

Years ago, since there was no space left in my chest, I had put my diaries till the year of 95 in a parcel. I had to replace the parcel, but I couldn't touch it. On September 25 morning, I clinched the parcel as soon as I woke up and all my diaries scattered around. It was writing "93" on the first one that I placed my hand. I threw the diary as I was holding cinder in my hand as soon as I read 93 and left the room. I logged in to Facebook and saw the post about release of the movie "Carina's Diaries." A voice inside was screaming "Go read Carina's diary if you are incapable of reading yours!" I found myself in the first showing of the movie next day.

As the film frames began to reflect on the screen, memories locked heavily in my subconscious surfaced. My surfaced memories tried to match with frames in the move, but they couldn't. They didn't harmonize, but contradicted. The contradictions turned into questions and enquiries. I couldn't stop them. I got tired. In order to get some answer, I took my diary belong to year 93. It didn't burn this time. I opened it carefully, I started to read. The main sections I need to read were post July 2. I started to write my thoughts piece by piece telling mysel "You are strong enough to settle old scores Elif. It is not time to cry, but to bring to book."

I am not a movie critic but a witness. These are the criticism of a witness. Have you seen my photo named "Last Breath Before the Fire"? The second one on the right is Carina. Carina was blonde and short haired. I waited to see in the movie the corridor where we had waited for hours. Yes, we waited in a corridor for hours because we were constantly being pelted. The sound of windows breaking...We were at the upstairs of the hotel. You may wonder how those stones reached the upper floor. They were on the roofs of surrounding buildings. It is as traumatic scene as to distort one's memory, don't you think it should have a place in the movie? I leave it to you.

Before listing my criticisms regarding the scenes one by one, let me initially ask this: Is it ethical to reflect a real historical incident far from its reality by hiding behind the concept of fiction?

In the first scene, I had a problem with Carina's Turkish. I didn't know Carina spoke Turkish well enough to communicate with me. I didn't make a big deal out of it by giving the director credit for resorting to fiction. However, I couldn't just move ahead when I saw the characters of Asuman and Yasemin. Asuman was our whirling teacher, she was authoritarian despite being younger than us. She wouldn't tolerate even a single mistake during the teaching. We were obeying her as primary school students. Yasemin was as delicate as yasemin (jasmine) flower. She spoke distinctly and calmly. Yasemin was wise. Sivri family indeed will evaluate their daughters' character much better but I couldn't see their true characters in the movie.

In the movie, I couldn't find the sites belong to our history. Let alone the past sites, I couldn't meet with any sites in the movie. The only place where I can call site was Amsterdam streets fondling my eyes. I don't know how movie critics assess lack of site.

The main theme begins with the bus trip. I don't give the sketches of bus trip to the director as a right to fictionalize. Those who didn't see the movie or forgot about it, let me write both of the sketches. The sketches are imitation of Süleyman Demirel. In the first sketch, Demirel says "They call your political rival son of the people. He is son of the people, and are we son of a bitch?" Second sketch: "Are you going to shut down the brothels? Wouldn't people f.ck us if we shut down the brothels?"

I don't recall such sketches played during the bus trip. Of course, me not remembering doesn't entail that it didn't happen. But are these the essential incidents of a 5-6 hour bus trip to be reflected in the movie? Do the subliminal reading of it. "Alewis are disrespectful towards their statesmen. Thus, they deserve violence."

When the story arrived in Sivas, I started to seek sites again, which of course I couldn't find. The frames were beginning to make you forget the lack of site: A headman and a couple of provoked Muslims. Us being set on fire was not the work of a couple of men.

Before we moved to the hotel, we were eating at a restaurant close to it. As Allahu Akbar flavored screams filled the air we stopped eating and headed for the windows. In front of the crowd, there were hundreds of people ranging in age from 20 to 25. They were leading the crowd. It was easily understood by their movements that they were militants. That mass wandered around the streets chanting in company with police. When we came to conclude that police will not do anything about it, we moved to the hotel.

If we accept several Muslims and their headman nearby in the director's fiction as truth, then what will we do with the militants I saw, former special forces first lieutenant H.Ç.'s confessions in his statement to Özgür Gündem newspaper, and Erdal İnönü's conversation with then undersecretary of National Intelligence Agency? May these information trouble the director.

Let me move to another scene. There is a scene taking place where I assume to be inside of madrasa. There are four people including Aziz Nesin and Hasret Gültekin. Gültekin says to Nesin "I've understood Turan Dursun, not you. I've found myself in him." (The words may not be exactly like that but that is the meaning.)

First of all, Aziz Nesin -those who know him know this better- is not someone who one could make arbitrary sentences. Once I had made this mistake and then nicely snubbed.

Well, let us not characterize Aziz Nesin based on my one-time experience. But what about the subliminal reading of this scene? Doesn't this scene introduce Nesin as someone inadequate? What does come out when you combine subliminal reading of this scene and the scene in which the targets in Headman's talks are not Alewis but Aziz Nesin? Alewis being side by side with an incompetent as well as a sharp-tongued man like Aziz Nesin cost their lives.

Even though I don't think the director deliberately shot scenes open to such subliminal readings, I believe the intention should be seriously questioned. I still have tons of questions but let me stop here. The director has left the criticisms unanswered hiding behind the concept of fiction. Well, then wouldn't it be fair to ask why did you use real footage if this movie was not a documentary but fictional?

As I went to see the movie, I was hoping to find answers to questions in my mind which I have been asking for years. What was Madımak massacre's relation with JİTEM and MİT? The answer to this is missing in the movie, moreover, its fiction is like covering up this matter.

This is a movie that we are in common with respect to its subject, but which I disagree with respect to its fiction. (ED/ÇT/TK)

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