"Hello from the F type jail. I would like to mention to you the negative life conditions here. I would like to talk about what one can come across in a day and how one diminishes and how hard a day goes by. This is also reality, people will stay in the F type not one day but a whole lifetime and it is unavoidable that everything I will be telling you will be taking place.
There is no other possibility in the F type but to go through the same psychological torture every single day. You will either go through it or you will go through it and you will not be able to avoid getting diminished.
Meanwhile the murder of dear Hrant Dink, our brother, elder brother of thousands of years, has made the present isolation even deeper. We are feeling that as a society we are sinking deeper into darkness and that the darkness is surrounding us more. Unfortunately we live in a country where the number of murderers increases while intellectuals are dwindle. Through this paper we are sending Hrant Dink´s family our condolences and saluting all the journalist martyrs with respect.
I will tell you a day in the F-type. If you wish, you may ignore this. (Just as I am writing this letter we heard that the Ministry of Justice has just issued a declaration about the F-type. To tell the truth, I think nothing will change. Before the declaration, we were not given our existing rights. We were supposed to be able to use the common areas five hours a week, but in reality, they were only letting us out at the common area one hour once in two, sometimes three weeks. The five hour a week common area is only given to us one hour every two weeks. The remaining nine hours is not given to us. They say now we are entitled to ten hours a week in the common areas, how will they let us out now, when they didn't let us out five hours a week. Also, the foreign language, painting, music etc classes that we are entitled to are not given to us at all, never have been. There is no water, most of the time we can't even find drinking water. Do not be surprised if the conditions become heavier after this declaration. Still, I think we mustn't be prejudiced; let's wait and see...)
The prisoner of the F-type
We start the day with the sound of our door getting knocked on violently. The sound makes your brain explode, then they shout ''Hey you! Come on, quick!''. There is no arguing how bad for one´s state of mind this kind of beginning to a day is. As soon as we open our eyes to the day we are faced with great pressure. The violent slamming of the door is repeated many times in the day. It gets to a state where one is very frightened by the slightest sound, heart leaping into one´s mouth with fear, one becomes very sensitive, extremely anxious, and fear, bitter as death, gradually envelops one´s body. One starts getting disturbed by even the sounds one makes himself. One develops a reaction to all kinds of sounds, unable to stand sounds. Unable to stand even the light. Because of the narrowness of the living space and having to share it with the same person all the time, we become very sensitive, especially to sounds and light.
You go to the Infirmary when sick, the isolation makes itself known at your every step. Nothing is allowed. You are not allowed to look around, to look out the window, to walk fast, to walk slow, to greet a friend on the way. When you meet and greet a friend on the way, they immediately intervene. We go to the Infirmary for treatment but come back feeling sick psychologically. All the warnings we receive damage our state of mind and we start to be frightened of ourselves and others. The prisoner of the F-type...
Sometimes we fear that we are not going to be able to survive when we go back to the society. Humans are naturally social beings but in the F-type this attribute is slowly lost. One becomes distant from others, losing one´s social skills. Because of being in a place where everything is prohibited, one closes into oneself and becomes distant from life. In time, one starts to see oneself as a different being. One feels excluded. Getting carried away with this feeling of being left out can be dangerous, it is very probable that the person will feel hatred towards others and keep his distance when in society...
Most of the time I feel nausea when I watch people on tv, I can´t help it. This must be because of having been kept away from people for a long time. One can easily get this feeling because we are living in a place where everything is prohibited. One´s life turns upside down, one can´t see anybody, probably because of having stayed with the same people for years, same things get repeated day in day out, so one turns into a robot. Feeling oneself under constant pressure. In time, this has a deep effect and forgetting starts. Because of lack of new stimuli, the brain gets smaller, the mind gets lost, one starts searching in other places the pencil in one´s hand . This is how much one starts to forget. Our minds are being prevented from developing; the isolation here becomes a wall in front of socialisation...
The cell where we live in is so narrow that we almost can´t move, no gymnastics. Because we are not allowed into the sports area our bodies don´t exercise and gradually falling apart starts. Lack of energy, fatigue, discomfort...One can´t drink tea holding the glass because the skin has became very thin and it burns. No treatment is given to us. When you add psychological pressures to all that, one is totally damaged. Most of our physical discomforts stem from our damaged states of mind. All day in this narrow cell, under psychological pressure, I have been living the same things every day for the last three and half years. Most of the time I feel scared of humans. Because it is only fear that is being produced here. There is a master and slave relationship...
I may not be very successful but I tried to tell you a day full of fears.
What do you feel every time you stand in front of the mirror? We feel we are dissolving...(SD/RD/EK/EÜ)
* Elif Köksal has translated this article to English.
