"There is femicide in this country" (Credit: csgorselarsiv/Emre Orman)
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"Why do I have to hide as an innocent woman? Why is the man who inflicted violence is free outside?" she asks.
Then, silence...
She continues:
"I have decided to have a divorce. I don't know how it will happen. I have fears. Will he leave me alone after the divorce? Will he let go of me? How much longer will I hide myself? Why are we, women, treated as criminals?
"It is like freedom is taken away from us. This is how I feel. We take shelter somewhere. Yes, that place tries to protect us. But why do we have to hide?
"That must be the place of the man, not that of women like us. It really offends me that I have to hide while I am innocent. We are the ones who are beaten up and tortured but nothing happens to those who did these to us. There is a protection order for me but I don't know if it really protects."
Her name is Ayşe*.
She was subjected to severe violence by her husband whom she is trying to divorce. She has broken bones in her skull and nose. She lived in a women's shelter for seven months. She lives in İzmir now. There is a protection and confidentiality order. The divorce case is still ongoing.
The male perpetrator also set their house on fire.
He is still free in spite of this.
The hearing of the divroce suit will be held nearly a month later. Ayşe is very concerned because of this.
Besides, it is not a 'paranoia' that Ayşe thinks that she will not be protected despite the protection order.
Because according to bianet's monthly male violence monitoring reports, men killed at least 23 women despite "protection orders" in Turkey in the period of January - October 2021. In the same period, men also wounded at least 36 women despite "protection orders".
'My children are very afraid, too'
Getting in touch with the We Will Stop Femicides Platform, Ayşe never forgets that the biggest support comes from women.
She continues:
"But for women, I couldn't have decided to divorce. I was supported by both women and my children. My children are very afraid, too. They are afraid that someone who knows us here will go and tell him and he will find us.
"I don't know, what can I say? I pray to God that no woman or child will go through this. I know that it is very difficult to go through this with four children. All these processes really offend my feelings. The trial will be held soon. We will see what will happen at the hearing.
"My fears will not end, he will get more enraged, he will want to inflict more violence. May no woman and no child go through this. I live for my children now. I don't want to die. I want to continue living for my children.
"My children will grow up, they will get married, they will have a family perhaps. I wish they had not gone through this. I wish they had not witnessed any of this. Life is so hard for them. It is hard for everyone, but it is very hard for women like us."
'I want to struggle for women'
Ayşe continues speaking sometimes with her voice raised, sometimes in a low voice. She wants to support other women:
"But some will say, 'What can you do for other women? You have done nothing for yourself.' A person perhaps may not do anything about herself, but she definitely does something for others.
"I have always wanted to do something for other women and children since I was a small child. I am very determined now.
'Family support'
"In the meantime, when I decided to have a divorce, neither my family, nor his family supported me. They would always approach me as if I had been immoral. I was asked to stay there even though I was subjected to violence. I could have been killed; I was tortured. I had been going through this torture for 17 years every day. I was patient for children, I withstood, I endured.
"I saw that the more silent I was, the harsher the violence got. I saw that he would kill me and my children would go through the same things, too. My sons and daughters would say that 'this is family life.' They would see this violence as normal. I didn't want to set a bad example for them. Staying home despite violence is a great torment for women. I didn't want my children to take over this.
"Everytime he beat me, the ones around us would ask him, 'Why are you inflicting violence?' This time, he would cast aspersions on me, saying, 'She doesn't treat me like a woman.'
'He wanted to use me like an animal'
"He would watch porn on the Internet and want to do the same to me. He was treating me like an animal, he wanted to use me like an animal.** One day, he hurt me so badly that he beat me when I objected.
"He would tell people, 'She doesn't treat me like a woman, that is why I beat her.' People were looking daggers at me. They would see me as a criminal. In fact, he was subjecting me to sexual torture. I could not tell anyone about this. I went through so many bad things.
'I became guilty because I wanted to break up'
"I became guilty because I wanted to break up. I was beaten up all the time. I don't know how this process will end. I don't know if I will be able to stay alive. I want to live for my children. May he not kill me for my children."
Ayşe stops talking.
There is a deep silence filled with two women's rage.
Now, not only Ayşe, but several other women have been keeping an eye on the courts where the divorce suits will be held and on the measures as to the implementation of protection and confidentiality orders.
Ayşe concludes: "If they really don't want women to be killed, courts will penalize the male offenders. But based on what I have seen so far, I don't believe that there is justice in this country."
(EMK/SD)
* The name of the woman and the city where she lives have been changed considering reasons of security.
** The scale of the male violence in question was so high that we did not include the details to not trigger the readers and especially women.
