Variety of Friendship, Shared Actions and Emotions

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The word "friendship" has a very broad usage in our daily lives. Considering how it is used on Facebook, we can say that it turned into an umbrella term where close and distant ties disappear. While the word friend designates people, friendship refers to the tie with these people and has been of interest to philosophy for centuries. The word philosophy which comes from Greek indeed consists of the words knowledge (sophia) and friendship (philia).

It would not be wrong to say that family comes first in the list of relation forms confused with friendship. Intimacy and care attributed to friendship can surely be observed also in the commitment of family members to one another. On the other hand, while kinship, based on blood or marriage, is determined by social / legal norms and usually involves well-defined roles, friendship is open-ended. Friendship involves less obligations as compared to family and kinship ties. We choose our friends - certainly from our social circle - and we make this choice for reasons like shared interests or sympathy for that person.

Family and friendship

Friendship being a chosen, voluntary tie offers people a certain realm of freedom. That said, we cannot argue that family and friendship relations are in complete contrast. There are studies showing the similarities and the transitions between the two relation forms. These studies draw attention to the possibility of being friends with some family members or to the emphasis of LGBTI+ individuals on "chosen family." Kinship sometimes involves choice and fun apart from obligations, and approaches friendship. Friends can be described as "family" when there is a strong commitment.

Variety of friendship

A notable aspect of friendship is its variety. For this reason, it will be more appropriate to talk about various friendship practices rather than trying to force friendship into a mold. Practices such as work friendship, school friendship, political friendship take place and find meaning in a certain social context. For example, it is not possible to think about the meaning of friendship between feminists separately from the politics of the personal that was suggested in the 70s and has been widely accepted. Just like the meanings ascribed to friendship, the activities people do together change over time. The progress of urbanization, increase in idle times and recreational activities lead to changes in the activities that friends do together. In this regard, sociologists like Georg Simmel and Anthony Giddens reserve quite a lot of space for friendship practices in order to understand the daily relationships of modern life.

Jale, Sacide, and Ferhunde

Beside actions and activities done together, friendship is the realm of emotions and affects. While the expression of emotions in work and political friendships occurs within the framework of a more public language, the expression of emotions in personal friendships is considered to be part of intimacy. Leyla Erbil's novel Mektup Aşkları (Letter Loves) (1988) is a good example representing the emotional world of the considered friendship in all its richness. The text, composed as an epistolary novel, presents the friendship of Jale, Sacide, and Ferhunde, their shared life, their aligned and conflicting values, and their emotions.

The friendship of the three women in their early 30s dates back to their college years. Words like Marx and revolutionary ethics appearing between the lines refer to their leftist pasts. When their paths part, they reflect how they miss each other in their letters. Most letters start with "my dear friend," use words of affection, emphasize their need for each other, and express that they expect photos of each other. At the same time, the three friends are aware that they are "different" from one another. Ferhunde writes to Jale "You were telling me not to go to such lengths to impress you or the others, or even myself. On the one hand, I resented this; on the other, I thought you were right. Yes, we are friends, but you are very different from me, and I am very different from you!" (p. 33)

"Because of my love for you..."

Their relations with men, their sexuality, their marriage decisions are reciprocally examined throughout the letters. Sacide, who grew up in a poor family, had to look after her mother, and did not refrain from being with men for money, was judged by the other two. Sacide being with Ferhunde's brother-in-law was the last straw. Ferhunde is furious. She expects support from Jale. When she does not get the support she expects, she writes a vitriolic letter:

"You are telling me 'You will be selling yourself by marrying that Hitler-like Sunuhi, what is your difference from Sacide?' I cannot believe my eyes; what kind of words are these?... Take a look at yourself... As if they admitted you as a member of the secret communist party and I am not aware of it! I know that you disclosed this wish of yours to Kemal, but they refused to include you unfortunately! You kept all this from me... You better listen to what is told about you rather than acting superior to others. I am hearing so much gossip that you would lose your sleep over and I did not tell you because of my love for you! Let me say just this: They think you are İhsan's mistress!" (p. 138)

Ferhunde thinks that she was unfairly treated by being compared to Sacide and was excluded in the relationship. As can be understood from the style, it is not possible for her to maintain her relationship with Jale. This is not only because Jale did not take a stance against Sacide, but also because she does not want her relationship with her husband to be questioned by Jale. She does not want her lifestyle to be a target of criticism, she ends the correspondence.

"Equal relationship"

On the other hand, we can say that the relationship between Sacide and Jale is deeper. They criticize each other in reference to their leftist past. In this sense, it is possible to talk about an equal relationship. Sacide frankly tells Jale that she disapproves of her marriage, she does not refer to her as "my dear friend" this time:
"Dear Jale, I guess you did not expect me to join the queue to send you a congratulations telegraph. I cannot even bring myself to write this letter. You did not just get married, you married Ahmet!... On top of that, you stuck his last name to your signature. You used to sign just Jale! I used to like that." (p. 201)

After a little while, Jale realizes that she made a mistake by marrying Ahmet. Sacide turned out to be right. She writes to her:
"You did the right thing by going. You were the right one! I have been an arrogant person that is fooled by romantic, false books, bad life examples, and that is unable to grasp the meaning of living." (p. 222)

"Sharing, need for friendship"

What they share with each other and the interchange of stories between them help the friends form their ego, it shapes their personalities. The epistolary style is perfect for expressing complex feelings. We witness the changes in the relationship between Jale and Sacide, and the need they feel for friendship by reading the letters. Jale realizes her own hypocritical attitude when questioning Sacide. Sacide's pursuit of her dream to move abroad and her success set an example for Jale who is trying to make a new path for herself. The novel ends with Jale's letter to Sacide:

"Dear friend, way back when you were telling me about the nasty situations you were struggling through, I used to try not to judge, I would not show it to you, but I could not prevent myself from thinking of you as a disgusting creature!... And now, in this game life has prepared for me, I cannot see how I am different from you. I have been groveling to save some of my stuff, to target back at a miserable man worthless next to my endurance and strength..."

Similarities and differences

Even though Jale discovered her similarities with Sacide, as Ferhunde puts it, all three friends are different from each other. Aspects of personal friendship such as the inclusion of differences, the desire to be together, the recognition of the other's independence, reciprocal care are of interest to political theorists, too. Political friendship models inspired by personal friendship are developed. Aristotle's civic friendship based on the relationship of the similar, which is the pioneer of these models, is gradually replaced by debates on friends / enemies in politics, by approaches focusing on differences.

Personal and political friendship

The distinction between personal and political friendship suggested by Maurice Blanchot allows for the possibility of thinking of these together by considering the individual value of each. According to Blanchot, political friendship is comradeship. It is worth emphasizing first that the history of comradeship goes way back than the commitments within the socialist tradition usually evoked by the word today. Comradeship, which is a tie of action and solidarity, is voluntary togetherness not only in public demonstrations, but also in places where new collectives, new ways of seeing are built, and countercultural production occurs in the light of a common vision of future. This type of political friendship is sometimes covered by the term "companionship." Blanchot participated in 68 demonstrations with his friends with whom his relations date way back and who have a lot of differences between them. He states that their friendship does not need agreement. On the contrary, their differences and the variety of their interests ensures that their friendship lasts. In public demonstrations, there are not friends anymore, there are comrades. This comradeship involves neither age difference, nor reputation, nor other formalities. However, differently from friendship, there has to be agreement and cooperation between them. (ÜT/SO/NÖ/VK)

In Good Times and Bad: Living Together Article Series

1- Family: In good times and bad...

2- Is it possible to live together in the presence of impunity?

3- Politics of horror and the cinema

4- What can hatred be washed off with?

5- Creativity and music: In good times and bad

6- "We know that we are definitely unwanted people"

7- The ghosts of the past, the guards of today

8- They lied to us

References:

1-Leyla Erbil, Mektup Aşkları (Letter Loves), Türkiye İş Bankası Kültür Yayınları, 5th Edition, 2014.

2-Maurice Blanchot (2000): For Friendship, Oxford Literary Review, Vol. 22, pp.25-38.

3-Jodi Dean (2019): Comrade: An Essay on Political Belonging, Verso, London, New York. Also Ekin Dedeoğlu states that the word arkadaş (meaning friend) in Turkish comes from ayaktaş, which was used until the 19th century and means "hitting the road together, mutual assistance." (Ekin Dedeoğlu, Agamben, 2012)

4-Jodi Dean (2019): Comrade: An Essay on Political Belonging, Verso, London, New York.