Are You Aware of Violence Potential in Your Relationship?

Mor Çatı (Purple Roof Women’s Shelter Foundation) volunteer, psychologist Feride Yıldırım Güneri answered the question “Why don’t women break up with men who inflict violence on them?” for bianet.

Güneri saying, “You can’t stop violence since it is not caused by you. Don’t spend time by trying to stop it. If violence exists at the beginning of a relationship, it increases incrementally. The sooner you get out of the relationship, the easier it becomes” listed alarming signals of male violence.

If you are experiencing some of those listed below, then there is a chance you do or will experience violence in your relationship.

Pathological jealousy

Jealousy is an ordinary condition, maybe it exists in every relationship but at healthy dosage. When it leads to restrictions and becomes imaginary (suspecting your partner might be having an affair with someone whom you don’t know), it becomes pathological jealousy and that it is highly linked with violence.

Not taking responsibility for the things that happen

Violence imposer always lays the blame on the one who the violence is imposed. Imposer is always victim. His mother didn’t get him, his boss didn’t get him, etc. He tries to convince with arguments such as “I am like this because of you”, “What have you turned me into?”, “You have made a man who hit a woman” and believes in them.

Not taking responsibility for the feelings

He says things like, “You make me angry, you make me insane”.

To have imposed violence in past relationships

Talking about past relationships always in a very negative and accusing way:

Violence imposing men try to justify it by saying “But she was like this, she was like that” but there is no such thing as contextual violence. If you hit a woman once, you will hit some other woman too.

Imposing violence on animals.

Bipolar personality

If your relationship consists of whites and blacks, if your partner behaves very nice and very mean, like Jekyll and Hyde, then you should be careful.

Not respecting your boundaries, and privacy

If your partner is checking your phone without permission, asking for passwords, call you in and out of season, then it is a violation of your boundaries. There is a perception “This person is my extension, my object” lying in the subconscious of violence imposer. Even though he pretends to see you as an individual, he doesn’t, that’s why he can call you in the middle of the night if he wants to since he believes you exist to meet his needs.

Damaging your stuff:

Kicking doors, breaking glasses, throwing stuff around.

Phantasies that include using force or violence during sexual intercourse

Controlling and restricting behaviors

Restrictions like, “Where are you”, “Who are you with”, “Let me know when you arrive”, “Send me your photo from where you are now”, “Don’t wear that”.

Attempt to isolate

“Don’t meet with your friends”, “They envy our relationship”, “They are feminists, they are brainwashing you”.

Fear

You don’t fear your partner in a healthy relationship. (ÇT/TK)

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