At Home with Family as an LGBTI+ in Covid-19 Quarantine: Can Life Really Fit into Home?

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In the days of novel coronavirus (Covid-19) quarantine, when most of us stay home and avoid going out as much as possible, people of different ages, genders and professions experience this process differently.

While some of us try to spend our days as productively as possible, some others are going through a hard and stressful process, which ultimately brings us to the question whether life can really fit into home or not.

But, what about the LGBTI+ individuals staying home with their families amid coronavirus lockdown? How do they experience these days? Above all else, can they really fit their lives into their homes?

The interviews show that it does not make so much difference whether the person in question has come out to his or her family or not.

These houses and individuals are overwhelmed with pressure and a feeling of being restricted. They say that the struggle that they have to wage against the society has greatly intensified in their family homes.

'I am constantly being watched at home'

Furkan is a university student living in İstanbul. When the pandemic broke out, he went to his hometown in Ordu at his family's request.

Furkan has been living separated from his family since he entered university. He says that he has returned home in the Black Sea province of Ordu because he is financially dependent on his family.

Normally, he enjoys spending time with them, Furkan says, but adds that spending this period of quarantine with his family is unbearable for him and he avoids dialogue with them as much as possible.

Furkan has come out to his family about his sexual orientation, but it does not make him any advantaged. He says that the topic of homosexuality is constantly being opened at his home and his family is constantly watching him to observe the changes in him:

"The issue of homosexuality is discussed at home all the time, they are trying to observe the changes in me. I feel like I am constantly being watched. It is not solely a feeling, I am indeed constantly being watched.

"When I pick up my phone, they try to understand what I do. When they realize that I am texting or speaking with someone, they ask me with whom. When it is constantly done, it turns into something unbearable."

Home and problem of personal space

Furkan says that he has no personal space or cannot be alone at home. This process has also led to a struggle with his family. He has always been in a struggle against his family, says Furkan, but adds that this struggle has greatly intensified in recent times of quarantine.

He tries to get over this process by sharing as little as possible with his family and says, "When they give me a hard time, I try to escape as much as possible. I don't want to experience a total mental breakdown. I am planning to survive this process with as little damage as possible."

'I am a gay and I love myself'

Furkan realized his sexual orientation when he was in primary school, he started to come to know himself better in his puberty. Brought up in a conservative family structure, Furkan says that he could not accept his orientation at first and tried to change it:

"As I grew up in a conservative family and society, I could not accept my sexual orientation and tried to change it. When I did a lot of research into it and realized that it was not something that could be changed, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, 'Yes, I am a gay, I was born like that. No matter how hard I try to change it, it does not change. I like myself the way I am."

Furkan did not tell his family about his sexual orientation willingly. In fact, he tried to hide it. However, his family learned about his sexual orientation on social media and prefered standing up against him:

"There were really fierce quarrels, bad words were uttered. I still do not know what kind of a situation we are in. My family has told me, 'We always love you, our love has never got any less.' But they keep on standing up against me. They have never accepted my orientation."

'I am not myself at home'

Sema is a lesbian. She realized her orientation when she was 16-17. When she fell in love with a woman, she first thought that she was bisexual. But, when she turned 19, she understood that she was a lesbian.

Sema says that she tried to come out to her family about her sexual orientation once, but they did not take her seriously and told her, "Don't be ridiculous, you are influenced by your friend."

Her friend is a trans woman, says Sema, who is angry that what she experiences and feels is described as "being influenced."

Sema has been at her family home since the pandemic process started in Turkey. She says that she can never act like herself at home and she, in fact, does not want to go to her family's place.

In this period of lockdown, Sema cannot go out and act there like herself and return home after that. She has to live like someone else for months now. She says that it is exhausting to do this. "I wish that I had a family that I could communicate with about all aspects," she adds.

'I have a tiny tool to lick it into shape'

Sema tells us about a row that she had with his family:

"They are constantly telling me that I have changed. Whenever I go back home from school, they threaten me with taking me out of school. I inflicted physical violence on me in the face of their psychological violence against me. They have stopped after that.

"I have come to my grandmother's place so that I can be alone for some time. I have to role all the time when I am with my family. A voice in me always feels like telling them, 'You don't know your daughter at all.' I have a huge piece of wood, but a very tiny tool to lick it into shape. I cannot do anything about my family. How much I would love them to become aware..."

'I used to have a princess charming'

Berna says that she was in 6th grade at secondary school when she realized her sexual orientation. She says that she was really excited when she saw two women getting intimate on a foreign TV series and after she did a lot of research into it, she has accepted herself.

She was different than other girls and her mother, in fact, realized it as well, Berna tells us and adds the following: "When I still did not know myself, I was dreaming of getting married to a woman, etc. I did not have a prince charming, I had a princess charming." 

Fearing that she will grow away from her family, Berna says that she is not open to her family about her sexual orientation. She has only shared it with her twin sister and she has supported her.

'I would love to tell them'

Berna has returned to her family home upon their insistence. She has been living with her family for two months now.

Berna summarizes this period as follows:

"I feel nervous all the time, I am hard-pressed and overwhelmed. One of the biggest reasons for this is that I have to hide everything about me.

"For instance, I cannot talk to my girlfriend on the phone when I am with them. I cannot tell my mother about my girlfriend. Actually, I would love to do it. But, I mention her as if she was just a friend."

'I am struggling as a woman'

Berna says that she behaves like someone else and, for this reason, she has detached herself from her family. Berna also has quarrels with her elder brother, who tries to interfere in her private life a lot.

Family home is hard for Berna not only because of her sexual orientation, but also because she is a woman. She stresses that the division of labor at home is solely focused on women in this process.

On the other side, Berna tells us that she does not even know what her family thinks about LGBTI+s and shies away from even asking it:

"I am not ready to hear something bad, I do not want to go through this period more nervously than I already am. I do not know how much longer I will live by escaping, but I do not believe that I will ever muster up the thought and courage to come out to my family." (ZÇ/PT/SD)